


An Avengers Valentine's Day

by rebelmeg



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Family, Cookies, Dialogue-Only, Domestic Avengers, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Rom coms and Booze, Valentine's Day, Valentine's Day Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-05
Updated: 2019-02-05
Packaged: 2019-10-23 01:11:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17673563
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebelmeg/pseuds/rebelmeg
Summary: It's Valentine's Day in the Avengers Tower, and our favorite band of superheroes are up to all kinds of good.





	An Avengers Valentine's Day

**Author's Note:**

> I know, it's another week and half until Valentine's Day, but I couldn't wait and this was cracking me up bigtime while I was writing it! I seriously considered squeezing this into my TSB card, but oh well. All my thanks go to my absolutely wonderful beta, [Skye_wyr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skye_wyr)!

“…JARVIS?”

“Yes, Agent Romanoff?”

“Did I just see Steve Rogers, supersoldier, Captain America, drop a plate of terribly frosted sugar cookies in front of Bruce’s door and then run away, giggling?”

“Yes, you did.”

“Alright then. He’s still a little bit high from whatever that weird residue was from the battle yesterday, isn’t he?”

“Given how much he has been giggling at nothing, I would say so, yes. His metabolism has been slowly breaking it down, and he's no longer bursting into song. I would say that he will be back to normal in a few days.”

“And in the meantime, enjoy slightly punch-drunk Steve that likes to frost cookies.”

* * *

“JARVIS?”

“Yes, sir?”

“Why is there a plate of sugar cookies sitting outside my door? At least, I think they’re sugar cookies…”

“They are, sir. And because it’s Valentine’s Day.”

“Uh huh. I’m gonna need more information, because I’m still lost.”

“Captain Rogers is embracing the holiday tradition of leaving treats and valentines on the doorstep of friends, ringing the doorbell, and running away.”

“Ah. It’s Valentine’s Day?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Well… crap. Clear my morning, I have some plans to make. Order roses, three sets of three dozen, one for the office, one for here, and one for tonight.”

“Red and gold?”

“You read my mind.”

* * *

“Miss Potts?”

“Yes, JARVIS?”

“You were right, Mr. Stark forgot. He requests all his morning obligations be cleared.”

“Ha, tell Happy I win and I expect to see that twenty bucks by the end of the day. Let Tony know his morning is clear, and perhaps drop a suggestion for that Italian restaurant I like in his ear.”

“I will do so immediately, ma’am.”

“Did I remember to send that red dress to be dry cleaned?”

“You did, ma’am, it has been cleaned and delivered to your suite.”

“You’re a gem, JARVIS.”

“Thank you, Miss Potts.”

* * *

“Hnsfrgh.”

……

“Jrvs.”

“Are you speaking to me, Agent Barton?”

“Wha’s on m’ foot?”

“Sugar cookies, courtesy of Captain Rogers. Happy Valentine’s Day.”

“Svalntnsdy?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Mmf.”

“Agent Barton, that is not even slightly hygienic. I’m sure Captain Rogers would be more than happy to supply you with cookies that you haven’t stepped in with your bare feet.”

“Mmf.”

“Very well, as you wish.”

* * *

Command from JARVIS to Cleaning Bot 87  
\- Cleanup required, Suite/Agent Clint Barton door access: food debris

Command from JARVIS to Cleaning Bot 87: received  
\- Cleaning Bot 87 dispatched

* * *

 

“Hello?”

“Hey, Honeybear. You busy tonight?”

“Tony, it’s Valentine’s Day.”

“Yeah, duh, like I’d forget. You busy tonight?”

“…yes, Tony, I’m busy tonight.”

“Darn. Okay, I’ll have to scratch that off my list.”

“What?”

“You being my wingman so we can both serenade Pepper with ‘You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling,’ a la Top Gun.”

“Now I’m really glad I made plans tonight. That didn’t work in the nineties, and I’m pretty sure it’s not gonna work now.”

“You obviously underestimate my appeal. I’m hurt, Rhodey.”

“You are not. You buy her flowers?”

“Of course I did, don’t be stupid.”

“Good, now just use all that money you’re rolling around in and make reservations at a nice place and you’re good.”

“Okay, I did that _one time_ , you’re gonna have to get some new material at some point.”

“Nope, finding you naked and cackling like a loon while you literally rolled all over a hundred thousand dollars in cash is seared into my brain and I will never, ever let you forget that that was a thing you actually did.”

“Rude.”

“Go schedule your date.”

“Fine.”

“No serenading unless it’s romantic.”

“Top Gun _is_ romantic.”

“Goodbye, Tony.”

“Love you too.”

* * *

“Mr. Hogan?”

“Yeah, JARVIS?”

“Colonel Rhodes and Miss Potts would both like to remind you that you owe them each $20.”

“Ugh, I _know_. I’ll get it out of the ATM later. Are you _sure_ you gave Tony those reminders?”

“I did, sir. And a few extras as well.”

“Fine. I’m gonna give him such a bad time for this later.”

“Perhaps you should stop at the ATM while you’re driving Mr. Stark to pick up Miss Potts.”

“…That’s genius, yes, we’re absolutely doing that. Think the limo will fit in the ATM lane?”

“Tonight would be an excellent night to find out.”

* * *

“JARVIS, WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?!”

“If I’m not mistaken, I believe Agent Romanoff wished you a Happy Valentine’s Day, Captain Rogers.”

“With a knife in my punching bag?!”

“It does fit with her personality as I’ve observed so far, sir.”

“ _Have a stabby Valentine’s Day, Love Nat._ ”

“Quite catchy.”

“JARVIS, did you learn sass all on your own, or did Tony teach you?”

“Both, Captain.”

“Yeah, that sounds about right. I’m keeping this knife.”

“I sincerely hope Agent Romanoff agrees with that.”

* * *

“…JARVIS?”

“Yes, Dr. Banner?”

“Why did Clint drop a bag of gummi bears out of the ceiling vent and make kissy noises? Did I just time travel back to elementary school? Is he trying to communicate a crush on me?”

“It’s Valentine’s Day, Dr. Banner. You have also received sugar cookies from Captain Rogers and a valentine impaled on the door of your suite by Agent Romanoff.”

“…I don’t know what to ask first.”

“The gummi bears are safe for consumption.”

“Yeah, okay. Valentine’s Day, huh?”

“Indeed, doctor.”

“Guess I should probably do something. Any ideas?”

“Pinterest often has many creative ideas for such occasions, including a wide variety of printables and handcrafted gifts and valentines for your loved ones.”

“Right. I’m just gonna go buy a box of valentines from the store. They still make conversation hearts?”

“The original, tart, or dirty messages versions? …Dr. Banner? Do you need medical assistance? Dr. Banner, please respond. Please don’t die choking on a gummi bear. Sir would be most upset.”

* * *

“Please pardon the interruption, Mr. Odinson.”

“Yes, JARVIS?”

“As you are closest to the lab, would you mind checking on Dr. Banner? He just had a near asphyxiation due to a food obstruction and will not respond.”

“Banner is choking?”

“Not any longer, there is no need to rush. In fact, he is laughing, but as I cannot get a verbal response as to his well-being, I require some assistance.”

“I’m happy to assist. What did the good doctor choke on?”

“Valentine’s Day gummi bears from Agent Barton.”

“I thought perhaps it might have been the cookies from Steve. I found pieces of eggshell in mine.”

“I’m afraid baking is not yet one of the Captain’s strengths.”

“Indeed not. I am nearly at the lab now, I will check on Dr. Banner for you.”

“You have my thanks, your highness.”

* * *

“Happy, what are we doing?”

“I have to stop at the ATM, sir.”

“Right now?”

“Yeah, I owe Miss Potts and Colonel Rhodes some money, and I have to pay double if I don’t pay today.”

“Are you… you’re not doing the drive-through ATM, are you? This thing won’t fit!”

“Sure it will.”

“Happy, it’s a limo!”

“I know, sir, but if I angle it just r—”

_CRUNCH_

“Happy.”

“It’s fine, sir.”

“ _Happy_.”

“Not to worry, I’ll just back it up a smidge—”

“HAPPY.”

“Oh come on, it’s not like it’s your favorite car!”

“You know what, I’m walking. I am not showing up in a limo that’s missing a headlight.”

* * *

“Miss Potts, I’m afraid Mr. Stark will be a few minutes late.”

“He lost track of time?”

“As a matter of fact, no. Mr. Hogan had a minor incident with the limo and Mr. Stark decided he’d rather walk.”

“A minor incident, what’s a minor incident?”

“He ran it into an ATM.”

“Oh good lord…”

* * *

“You know, Romanoff, I’m not sure you really get this whole Valentine’s Day thing. Usually weaponry isn’t involved.”

“Calm down, Steve, I’m just saying I love you with knives instead of badly frosted sugar cookies.”

“Are you insulting my cookies?”

“Oh, you heard me. JARVIS, what’s with the liquor basket?”

“Compliments of Mr. Stark for Valentine’s Day. Feel free to select the alcoholic beverage and romantic comedy of your choice. There is also a stack of valentines from Dr. Banner and a box of conversation hearts for each of you.”

“Dibs on first pick.”

“Did you just learn dibs, or was that a thing back in the forties?”

“We had dibs in the forties.”

“ _Sleepless in Seattle_ , that’s a good pick. Classic rom com.”

“Will it mix well with vodka?”

“You can’t have the vodka, that’s mine.”

“Nuh uh, get your own, I touched it first.”

“Rogers, are you literally five years old—”

“Here, gin and _Leap Year_. Wrong holiday, but what a good mix.”

“Oh gross, I don’t drink gin. Which one, _Sweet Home Alabama_ or _27 Dresses_? Hey, Clint.”

“Hi. Why are you two fighting over movies and booze?”

“Because Steve is trying to steal my vodka and I’ve already seen _The Proposal_ and _While You Were Sleeping_.”

“You are passing up perfectly good wine for vodka? Nat, your Russian is showing. Ooh, _10 Things I Hate About You_!”

* * *

“So… I have a choice between tequila and champagne, and either _The Proposal_ or _Sweet Home Alabama_?”

“That is correct, Thor. The others have already made their selections.”

“What is an Alabama?”

“It is a U.S. state, located in the south of the country.”

“What’s this thing in the tequila?”

“That would be a worm.”

“Is that a Midgardian custom?”

“In that particular kind of liquor, yes.”

“Alright then. Tequila it is.”

“In that case, might I recommend _Sweet Home Alabama_ ? It is regionally appreciated in the Southern states.”

* * *

“How is everybody liking their gifts, JARVIS?”

“They seem to be appreciated, sir. I anticipate glorious hangovers in the morning.”

“I’ll plan on sleeping in, then. Did Pepper fall asleep in there or something? I’m all dressed down with nowhere to go, there’s something wrong with this scenario.”

“She is checking her email.”

“Pep, c’mon! I’m naked in here!”

“Sorry! Got distracted!”

“Has the romance in our lives suffered so much that a naked Iron Man doesn’t hold more sway in your life than Gmail?”

“You’re very sexy, honey. I just don’t want to spend tomorrow screaming at payroll.”

“Payroll isn’t sexy, stop playing with the not sexy things and get in here before I start without you.”

“On that note, I will enact privacy mode.”

“Thanks, JARVIS. Happy Valentine’s Day.”

“And to you, sir.”

“Oh, wow, honey… that was worth the wait, get over here.”

“Thought you might like that.”

_Privacy mode activated._

* * *

“I hate you.”

“I told you trading was a bad idea. Mixing gin and vodka, are you crazy?”

“I really, really hate you.”

“This is fun for me, last time Nat got a hangover this bad, she blamed it on me.”

“Shut up, Clint.”

“You guys didn’t actually drink all your booze last night, did you?”

“Shut up, Bruce.”

“Don’t worry, Bruce, Natasha is just feeling a little hungover this morning.”

“Shut up, Steve.”

“Good morning, dear friends!”

“Uuuugggghh, shut _up_ , Thor.”

“If I may, Agent Romanoff, there is ibuprofen and acetaminophen in the cupboard, and plenty of water in the fridge.”

“Shut up, JARVIS.”

“Why are we being mean to my AI.”

“Shut up, Tony.”

“Ah, a very good Valentine’s Day was had by all, I see.”

“I hate all of you with every bit of Russian spite in my body.”

“We love you too, Nat.”

"Oh, I almost forgot."

"Tony, is that...?"

"A heart-shaped box of chocolates the size of your shield that I forgot to bring out yesterday? Yes it is. Share, kids, and play nice."


End file.
